Home, I'm Darling by Laura Wade

Author:Laura Wade [Wade, Laura]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Performing Arts, Theater, Playwriting, Drama, European, English; Irish; Scottish; Welsh
ISBN: 9781350189096
Google: 0DB6zQEACAAJ
Publisher: Bloomsbury Academic
Published: 2025-10-01T01:22:33+00:00

ACT TWO

SCENE 1

Early evening. Three years ago, but we don’t know that yet.

The house is messier than we’re used to.

JUDY is upstairs, fixing her hair in front of the bedroom mirror. She hears the front door opening and gets up, heads down the stairs.

JOHNNY comes through the front door, in his fifties suit, carrying his work bag. He takes off his hat and hangs it on the hatstand.

JOHNNY: Hello? What are you doing home?

JUDY: I finished early. Hello darling.

JUDY kisses him.

JOHNNY: How are they managing? It’s barely six o’clock.

JUDY: Turns out I’m not indispensable.

JOHNNY: I’d have to disagree.

JOHNNY kisses her. JUDY kisses him back for longer than he expects.

Hello.

JUDY: I’ve made you a cocktail, come through.

JOHNNY: Wow.

They go into the living room. JUDY bustles at the bar, putting ice into a drink she’s already mixed.

JUDY: Did you know they’re pulling down the old cereal factory?

JOHNNY: What? No.

JUDY: I bumped into Sheila who I used to work with – the one who left to work at the council? – and she said they’re pulling it down. I just bumped into her coming out of the Spar.

JOHNNY: But it’s a landmark.

JUDY: They’re going to build a new shopping centre which must be the absolutely last thing we need.

She hands him his drink.

JOHNNY: Lovely. What is it?

JUDY: It’s an Old Fashioned.

They sit.

JOHNNY: And how was day?

JUDY: Oh gosh you’ll love this

JOHNNY: (re the drink) This is delicious.

JUDY: Is it? Good.

JUDY tries hers.

Ooh, yes. So Richard

JOHNNY: Richard?

JUDY: One of the partners? Head of Tax.

JOHNNY: Yes.

JUDY: Basically been there forever, way before the merger, probably the merger before that,

JOHNNY: How old?

JUDY: Old. Nearly retiring. Hasn’t given a shit in some time.

JOHNNY: Right.

JUDY: And we’ve all known that – but I found out today

JOHNNY: From

JUDY: I got talking to Becky, his PA, in the coffee corner – she was having a cappuccino which takes forever with that machine, the nozzle gets clogged.

Anyway it turns out the reason Richard takes so long to reply when anyone sends him an email is he doesn’t know how to use a computer.

JOHNNY: What?

JUDY: I know, can you imagine? This day and age. I don’t care how old you are.

Becky prints out all his emails for him at the end of the day – massive waste of paper – then on the train back to Peterborough he writes his responses freehand on the printouts, and in the morning he hands the stack of paper back to her and she types them up and sends them.

JOHNNY: That’s hilarious.

JUDY: Isn’t that extraordinary?

JOHNNY: Amazing.

JUDY: I mean god knows what his salary is. Five times mine.

JOHNNY: More than.

JUDY: Anyway.

What a wanker.

They laugh.

Nice, isn’t it, me being home when you get back?

JOHNNY: No, lovely.

JUDY: I’ve got something to talk to you about.

JOHNNY: God, are you pregnant?

JUDY: No?

Pregnant?

JOHNNY: I don’t know, women start nesting and stuff, don’t they, when they’re

JUDY: Because I made you a cocktail I’m pregnant?

JOHNNY: No, sorry, go on.

JUDY: God Johnny, that’s really peed on my actual news.

JOHNNY: Sorry. Go on.

JUDY: OK so Chris made an announcement today.

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